Crushin on

THAT girl

So earlier I watched this short video on a girl explaining how she was never 'that' girl and she never will be and it got me thinking about everything.

CMON you must of asked yourself these questions, I certainly have. How is she that attractive? What do boys find so interesting in her? Why am I not like that? Why am I me? WHY AM I NOT THAT GIRL?

I think all girls feel like this or asked themselves these questions, it's perfectly normal. But maybe girls ask the same about us? I know it's hard to believe but even the most perfect girls will ask why they are not that girl?

For me I've always found it hard to accept myself. I think the hardest thing I've ever had to conquer is actually learning to like myself and to get others to like me. It started as early as junior school, I remember standing in the changing rooms for PE and questioning why I wasn't the girl with the large group of friends, why I wasn't the girl who had hit puberty early, why I wasn't the girl who knew how to make friends and why I was the girl who was petrified of boys. I rmemeber trying so hard for these girls to like me but in reality I was no one to them. So from here this is where I rememeber closing myself away, kind of accepting my self fufilling prophecy, that I was a quiet girl, I wasn't attractive and I was never going to be liked. The worst/sad thing is I carried this with me right up until the way I left school two years ago.

And you're probably thinking how the hell did you manage to get yourself out of that mindset. And the answer is I honestly don't know but I'll try and explain and hopefully you can do the same.

At high school I knew I wasn't going to be the popular girl, everyone dreams about that right? From watching mean girls and other shows which show how cool it must be to be so popular and liked, like what do you have to worry about in the world? I always wanted to see what it was like for the day, still kinda do. Anyway my first day at high school everyone was making new friends and engaging with new people and I remember sitting there and thinking no one will like me, my best friend was this confident girl, bubbly, people liked her and I was her shadow. I began to feel like  I was a nuisance to her, stopping people from liking her because I was attatched to her. It was the worst feeling ever, hiding yourself, I felt like I was trapped I couldn't be who I wanted to be. Anyway people picked up on this and began to torment me, my looks, my personality. I still question how I managed to pull myself through it, chanting down the corridor, sniggers off girls as I passed, I honestly was hated. Hated for not doing anything, I hated myself and therefore people saw that and hated me.

This is why you have to not fake your personality but if you're constantly negative people will pick up on it and choose to not bother with you, being positive changes so many things honestly I can't begin to explain how my life completely turned back the right way round when I realised I had to accept who I was.

I moved schools in the end as the bullying got too bad. So started a new school and yep you guessed again if started. Why couldn't I be the girl people wanted to be friends with? No one wanted to be friends with me. I had the worst school years, crying about my appearence daily, crying myself to sleep, wondering why no one actually liked me, what was wrong with me? The amount of questions I used to ask myself sat infront of the mirror. I was sick of being decieved as this quiet,moody,ugly girl. I never took pictures, never had a strong group of friends, I longed for it. The worst thing was I didn't see a future for myself, I didn't even dream of living some days.

So I decided to stop the negativety, stop people's judgements and most importantly stop hiding away. So over the summer before I started sixth form I made a plan of how I was going to be the actual person I am, a geuine friend, confident and ambition. So the first day of sixth form again I watched history repeat itself, stood in that common room watching everyone mingle, I thought do you know what this is not happening, I saw a group of friends laughing and talking and I said to my only friend we are going to be in that group I am determined.

They ended up being the bestest friends I've ever had, I can't even begin to explain the amount of fun I've had in the last two years with these guys. So that's the first thing I accomplished I got to be in a group of friends who actually liked me. It felt amazing 

Secondly goodbye quiet Ella and hello confident and funny Ella. I can't even remember the last time someone called me quiet, I'm now close to the girls who used to be popular? I talk to the majority of people in sixth form and I haven't heard anyone say anything bad about me in these last two years and do you know why? Because I began to like myself, I became 'that' girl I've always wanted to be.

And you can do it to

I am actually proud of myself never thought I would admit that

Bit of a long winded post but can't be explained in a para

Please message me anytime 

Xxxx