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2019- The year I finally accepted myself and stopped giving a sh*t!!!

Literally what the title says. I was thinking on my commute home, what have I achieved this year? I'm one of those people who doesn't really focus on achievements, I always seem to dwell on 'what could I have done better'. But for people who don't really know me, they may be confused about reading this post.

I hope people now think I'm a fairly confident person. But just because I post photos of myself every day on social media does not for one second mean I have no idea what it feels like to hate yourself. Just because you think someone is attractive doesn't always mean they view themselves that way. And it certainly doesn't mean they haven't struggled with something or still are.

So..this year I finally accepted me! 

(No this is not a coming out post) I am in a straight relationship lol. This is a post about finally accepting my body image. Something I honestly never thought I would get to. My mum always said to me 'one day you just won't care Ella' and I used to look at her sobbing my heart out thinking YOU KNOW NOTHING WOMAN.

The truth is or was, I used to hate me. In fact, I DESPISED me. And I had those feelings from such a young age I genuinely thought it would be my life. I would have done anything to be someone else, to have someone else's face, someone else's personality, and someone else's life. There was nothing good I could say about myself. Even having boyfriends was never enough to make me feel like I was actually ok looking.

It's safe to say I struggled with body dysmorphia from a very young age. My body dysmorphia didn't come from looking at social media women or beautiful women in magazines. Mine started with horrific bullying. Bullying that has affected me so badly I still seize up when I hear someone mention one of my features because I still wait to be ridiculed. It was bullying that made me sit in front of my bedroom mirror for hours on end sobbing. Shaving off my eyebrows, shaving off the hair on my arms, googling plastic surgery to get rid of my horrendous nose. I destroyed myself growing up all because of stupid people's words. Every time someone mentioned or pointed out something wrong with me I would become fixated and obsessed. These two words are all I can use to describe what my life was literally like for 12 years. Pure fixation on every aspect of my body and an unhealthy obsession to change it.

I remember applying my makeup 5 times in a row till my skin was redraw. Changing my outfit 10 times before I left the house. I remember the frustration on my parent's faces every time I had a breakdown in the car because I couldn't face working with the public. I couldn't scrape my hair up for work because I just felt ugly. I remember not being able to leave the house without a full face of makeup. Not being able to walk down a street on my own because I would constantly think everyone thinks I'm repulsive. I genuinely felt so ugly. People would say to me how can you say that when there are people who have disfigurements or burn victims. I wouldn't even know how to respond to this now because you physically cannot help how you feel. It's your mental health at the end of the day. Someone saying someone has it ten times worse doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you just as bad.

I used to look at photos of myself and literally sob for hours on end. Beg my friends to untag me. I always felt like the ugly friend. But most importantly god did I feel so alone. So alone when the doctors patronized me and asked me 'Ella do you want to kill yourself over your reflection really?' So alone when everyone around me would tell me to 'get a grip, look at yourself'! No one understood how I felt. People thought I did it for attention. But the people who knew me knew how broken I was inside. I was mentally exhausted from it. I would have done anything to leave the house in 5 mins instead of 5 hours. I would have done anything to just feel ok. But I had no ok days. I even got to the point where I covered all the mirrors in my bedroom because I couldn't face ME.

Did I realise I had a problem you're probably wondering? To be honest when I look at that version of me I just feel sorry for her. 

So what changed in my life to make me stop hating myself? BLOGGING definitely changed me. I never used to take photos of myself. The reason I started a blog was that I was so sick of hating me. But I loved fashion. So I thought to myself, well I hate myself but if I can help other girls feel confident with clothes then maybe I'll stop hating myself too? That my friends worked. 

I also met someone who is very patient with me. Who knows I have my meltdowns about my appearance but made me feel confident. I dated people in the past who made me feel so worthless and that I was never GOOD ENOUGH or attractive enough to be their girlfriend.

But this year I put a stop to all these negative feelings about myself. I did wake up one day like my mum said and I just looked in the mirror and for the first time ever I said 'you don't look bad' I now wake up every day and I don't look in the mirror with dreaded hate. I look in the mirror and just think yep you're cool. I don't think I'm drop-dead gorgeous, defo not at that point yet. But I just don't care about my looks anymore.

I'm also so glad that I never went ahead with surgery at 18 because I don't think I would have ever loved me if I did that. I'm not against surgery at all. I can completely understand why people do it. But what I would say to you is, just hold off for a little while because you might get to 22 like me and just think thank god I didn't change myself because people made me think I had to.

So this year I'm proud of being me for the first time ever. However vain that may sound. This whole appearance thing has been a MASSIVE journey. And I no longer feel exhausted when I wake up anymore because I'm ok with being me.

I hope my story inspires you to love YOU. Congrats if you read to the end. And apologies if this was too deep for anyone. My blog has always been very raw and real.

I also want to say if you ever need someone to talk to please email or message me because believe it or not I DO UNDERSTAND x

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